"Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck." - The 14th Dalai Lama

The concept of "a wonderful stroke of luck" lying beneath the surface of my challenges with fertility has been a concept I muddle over in my mind--flipping it back and forth like the pages in a book I keep losing my place in.

I have always believed that there is some greater plan, some higher meaning to the events that happen in our lives. That if we lean into them, allow them to unfold, they will do so with ease. And that if we fight them, fight as we may, they will simply continue to unfold as they were always intended, just with more pain and suffering.

This notion however seems to run counter to our western way of being; and quite counter to my Type A personality. In this uncontrollable world rife with uncertainty, I want to chart the course; I want to raise the sails, and to lower them, on my own time. I want to be the captain of the ship.

The last few days I have been experiencing horrible vertigo. The ground has literally been moving under my feet. The feeling reminds me all too well of a trip to Bimini several years ago, spending days on the ocean swimming with the wild dolphins. During this trip I learned that it was my need to control that caused my motion sickness, the need to keep a world steady that is rocking back and forth. I couldn't stop that rocking any more than I can stop my body from being as it is.

Yet, when I let go of the control, and accepted the dancing of the boat with the deep blue water, my internal struggle ceased, and along with it my motion sickness.

So too perhaps, if I let go of my need to control the path our child takes in coming to us, the struggle may cease; and I just may find a wonderful stroke of luck like the pot of gold at the end of my rainbow.